Recombobulating – 1st January 2018
I’ve spent a great deal of my life feeling deeply discombobulated as I’ve fractured, re-formed and fractured time and time again. In fact, it’s happened more times than I care to recall! This process is a part of life and it’s how we evolve but no one warned me just how gut wrenching and soul spinning it can be.
For a long time, I thought the key was in learning how to outwit the cycle of discombobulation and I rode the waves of life with a kind of smug sense of knowing as I tried (in vain) to stay one step ahead. Yet I could no more stop discombobulating than I could stop the day turning into the night: it happened whether I wanted it to or not. After a few distinctly challenging and arduous years where, with no clear escape route, I felt increasingly disenchanted and discombobulated, I fell apart. However, instead of running or trying to outwit the cycle, I started to seek out nourishment in this seemingly bleak and inhospitable place, a bit like the bacteria that thrive in the dark at the bottom of oceans or in volcanoes and I found a way to breathe. Strangely, it seemed the more I fell apart and the more I learned to breathe, the more whole I started to feel. This may sound like a contradiction in terms as it feels counter-intuitive but it’s my own experience and that’s my reference point!
Experiencing fracture after fracture after fracture creates deep scars in the soul but it also opens the doorway to strength and courage. The more challenges I faced, the more I leaned into them and this took me beyond the mind-set of feeling the negative aura of discombobulation and instead I started to move into a space of an awareness of the bigger picture of recombobulation. It’s a word that speaks for itself: it’s a ‘coming back together’ and a willingness to allow the process to continue with an open heart and an open soul. (I’m not sure if recombobulating is officially a word, but I like it, so I’m using it!).
Words carry power and energy, and recombobulation feels empowering and inspirational to me; it’s a breakthrough and a re-emergence. It’s a shift of perspective allowing me to breathe more deeply into life and, at the same time, allowing life to breathe more deeply into me. Recombobulating is re-connecting, re-awakening and reaching out into life akin to a daffodil turning its head towards the warming sun on a spring day.
In many ways, life hasn’t changed much for me as I’m still experiencing fractures and challenges but I face them differently these days: I turn to them and face them wholeheartedly, taking a deep breath and letting go of resistance. This doesn’t mean I love having them in my life but they’re staying so I’ve chosen to adapt. Nor does it mean I’ve given up, I’ve simply stopped giving myself a hard time for not being perfect and not being the me I’d hoped I’d be or thought I should be. The me I am isn’t the me I’d dreamed about but it feels more real and more genuine as I’m fully engaged and connected to the process. By being real, I’m giving my true essence the room to flow freely.
Life is rarely straight forward or black and white; life is a kaleidoscope of colour, experiences and change. When we fight and resist, we stagnate and recoil. When we let go, we find new ways to thrive. There is no way to avoid the cycle of discombobulation as it’s how we grow and evolve but when we step back and see the process as a part of a bigger cycle, it helps bring a new perspective.
If we wholeheartedly buy into the essence of feeling discombobulated, life feels heavy and challenging, yet when we see it as a part of a cycle of recombobulation it somehow feels lighter and easier to navigate as we’re no longer victims but conscious souls riding the ebb and flow of life…