It’s hard not to notice a growing restlessness and deepening sense of despondency rising up within our hearts and souls. As someone with significant long-term health problems, in need of social care, social housing and welfare benefits, I’ve felt the divide between the have’s and the have-not’s grow to exponential proportions. I’ve heard the term ‘the just about managing’ to refer to the groups of society just about holding things together but no reference to the massive group of souls in the bracket beyond this, the untouchables in society that no one really likes to talk about. It’s this group
More ...Chronic Illness
Falling Off The Edge
At the end of 2015, I wrote about ‘the year I broke’, an intense and challenging year of my life where I felt as though my heart and soul had been ripped out from the fabric of my being, then torn to shreds and trampled upon. I fell apart, broke, disintegrated and found myself laying naked and cold on the harsh floor of reality. When I posted that article, I was, I believed, over the worst. How wrong was I?! 2016 took me to some new depths as the challenges intensified and came flooding into my life with such ferocity,
More ...A New Foundation…
Over the last couple of years, I’ve had a much more conscious and awakened relationship with myself. In many ways, it wasn’t a choice as, due to my spiralling ill-health, I shattered and fell apart on every level of my being. In truth it was an inevitable conclusion to reach as I’ve resisted aspects of myself for most of my life; they are parts of me I don’t like that much (we all have at least some of those!), but as I’ve got older, my resistance waned as the pressure within built up and started to crush my spirit from
More ...Building My Own House
I have always been blessed with a bright, colourful and vivid imagination. When I closed my eyes, a new world would come to life that was rich and diverse, fragrant and vibrant. I took my imagination for granted until the day I couldn’t anymore. These days my inner world is considerably starker as I have lost my ability to visually recall images. I can see a tree for example but when I close my eyes there is no tree present. I can look at my hand but when I close my eyes I see nothing. Although my imagination struggles to
More ...Courage
Sometimes we have to listen to the voice within and let it be heard; it’s a part of us after all. I did that last night, I was the lowest I’ve been in many many months and I felt myself slip into the gap between here and there, feeling no life within me and questioning my desire to carry on breathing. For a fleeting moment – that felt like an eternity – I didn’t want to be here anymore; I had nothing left. Writing about pain is unquestionably easier than swirling uncontrollably in a deep pit of it. Admitting one’s
More ...It Is What It Is
As I continue to tenderly caress the scars and wounds in my soul whilst continuing to learn to lovingly accept my (seemingly many) frailties and imperfections, I’ve reached a point of compassionate assertion within. It’s hard to describe ‘compassionate assertion’ and the phrase doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, but it’s the best I could do given the somewhat limited nature of words. For a long time, I wholeheartedly believed in the concept of ‘cause and effect’ when it came to illness and ill-health. The new age, modern spirituality world in which I lived for many years frequently reports of
More ...The Good Old Positive Mental Attitude
I’m not sure if I’m the only one with a long-term chronic condition that feels the way I do. Am I the only one feeling rather fed up with the PMA (Positive Mental Attitude) brigade? Feeling exasperated at the suggestion I should just smile, suck it up and think positive. Am I alone in having days where I want nothing more than to punch the PMA Fairy in the face? Okay, I don’t do violence, but you get the drift… To me, having a ‘PMA” is the willingness to push through the pain and malfunction in order to get up,
More ...The Fight Goes On…
As the junior doctors continue to stand up for their rights and for the future of the NHS, I feel a rising sense of frustration that, no matter what they do, the government won’t listen. As a frequent flyer in the NHS, I see a great many doctors. As a disabled, long-term sick person I already have access to a 7-day emergency NHS as does everyone. Perhaps it’s just me but I don’t want a 7-day routine NHS, I have enough appointments on Monday to Friday, I don’t want them at weekends as well. I despair when a scan appointment
More ...My Wheelchair Adventure & The Art of Allowing
I need a wheelchair. I can’t say I’m particularly proud of that statement, but it’s the truth. It’s not a long held dream of mine. My body is now too fragile and damaged and I can’t keep landing in ungraceful heaps on the floor. Obviously I’m hopeful I want have to spend the rest of my life in the seated position but, for now, it’s my reality. I spent a long time looking at wheelchairs. Most are huge and when I saw them, they made my solar plexus flip and I thought I’d vomit on the spot. Many are not
More ...Getting Over Myself
The last twelve months have, without doubt, been the hardest twelve months of my life. I’ve had to face the reality of being me and it’s not been easy. In fact, it’s been nauseatingly painful and exquisitely raw as I’ve realised just how desperately fragile I am. I’ve always been strong emotionally and spiritually, but even these have taken a battering this year as I’ve crumbled, shattered into pieces and turned to dust in a heap on the floor. However, like the soggy biscuit in the bottom of the tea cup, I’m not gone completely, just changed beyond recognition. Well,
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